


Explanations

by vix_spes



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Episode Tag, Established Relationship, Jealousy, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-07
Updated: 2013-01-07
Packaged: 2017-12-30 16:52:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1021095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vix_spes/pseuds/vix_spes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin knows that he’s going to have some explaining to do to his lover…</p>
            </blockquote>





	Explanations

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SuperfluousEmi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuperfluousEmi/gifts).



> Written for superfluous_emi as part of the Happy October Swap 2012 … I’m just sorry that it’s taken me so long. Huge thanks to thedragonsinger for looking this over for me. Tag to Merlin 5.04

As they travelled back towards Camelot once more, this time with both Mithian and her father in tow, Merlin was more than aware of the constant glances that Gwaine was sending in his direction. He knew that he had hurt Gwaine when he had avoided the knight’s attempts at a hug but his thoughts had been all consumed with the knowledge that Morgana had been with them all the time and that Arthur was walking straight into a trap. He knew that it was wishful thinking that his actions had killed Morgana off; she was proving far too resourceful for that but hopefully it would at least slow her down somewhat. He knew that he was going to have to talk to Gwaine, explain things because truthfully, giving Gwaine the hug that he had been angling for wouldn’t have wasted too much time.

It was obvious without being told that Gaius disapproved of his actions but equally he did understand why Merlin had acted as he did. All he had to do was avoid Gwaine until they made it back to Camelot and Arthur had released him from his duties for the evening; Gwaine might have no shame in all of the knights knowing about his private business and relationships but Merlin very much wanted to keep this as private as possible.

~*~

It was only a scant hour after they had arrived back in Camelot when Merlin was dismissed for the evening by Arthur and told to ‘go and stop Gwaine moping like a lovesick maiden’. However, before he could go and do that, Merlin had been informed that Gaius wanted to check him over one last time to ensure that there were no lasting effects from his run in with Morgana. Finally, with his mentor satisfied that it was nothing serious, merely bumps and bruises, Merlin had been dispatched to placate his lover.

As he arrived outside the door to Gwaine’s room, Merlin couldn’t help but feel grateful that the senior knights had been moved out of the barracks very swiftly; it had caused Merlin far too much stress when they had been spending their nights in Merlin’s room and trying desperately to not wake Gaius. He shook his head and swiftly rapped on the door; he needed to stop dithering and get on with this. He didn’t even have to knock but it felt weird not to although today he was regretting it because Gwaine was taking forever to open the bloody door. Finally, it opened and revealed Gwaine dressed in a simple tunic and trousers, his chainmail obviously having been discarded in the armoury.

“Oh, it’s you.” The words were said in a flat tone as Gwaine turned to move back into his room although thankfully he didn’t shut it behind him so Merlin assumed that his presence wasn’t unwelcome.

“Gwaine …” Hearing voices coming down the corridor, Merlin stepped inside and closed the door behind him; there was no way that he wanted people to hear this conversation in public and certainly not considering the mood that Gwaine was obviously in.

“So you managed to tear yourself away from Arthur then?” There was a definite hint of bitterness in Gwaine’s tone of voice.

“Gwaine, don’t be like that. I’m Arthur’s manservant. That means that I have to go with him until he dismisses me and then Gaius wanted to check that I was okay. I’m sorry, I wanted to come and see you straight away.”

“Did Gaius say that everything was okay?”

The way that Gwaine ignored Merlin’s last words left the warlock feeling a bit confused. “Yes, nothing to be worried about. It’s just that with head injuries you can never be too careful.”

“Good, that’s good.” It seemed as though Gwaine was trying to distract himself, even though it was fairly obvious that there was something he wanted to ask Merlin.

“Gwaine? Is everything okay? You’ve been acting strangely for a few hours now.”

“Really? I wonder why that is.”

“Seriously Gwaine, what’s the matter?”

“What’s the matter? Oh, I don’t know. How about the fact that that we found my lover left unconscious having been attacked by Morgana, Percival had to carry you back to camp and we still didn’t know if you were going to be okay. They left me behind with Gaius but there was nothing that I could do except get more bloody firewood. And then you magically wake up and I go to hug you, to reassure myself that you’re still alive but you ignore it because we have to go and rescue Arthur. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?”

“Gwa…”

“Oh no, I’m not finished yet. So, you refuse me the comfort of a hug and then we have to run off and save the princess except things aren’t that simple though are they? No, of course not. You leave me, the person trained with a sword and the one actually carrying one, to take out the guards who were taking a piss while you went unarmed right into the trap. How do you think that made me feel? I didn’t have a clue if you were going to come back alive or not!”

“I always come back alive.” Merlin gave what he hoped was a winning smile.

Gwaine’s response was a strangled moan as he sank down onto the bed, raking a hand through his hair. “That’s not the point Merlin.”

Merlin knew that, he really did but he was in a difficult position. He wanted to tell Gwaine about his magic, about something that was such a huge part of him, but he felt like he couldn’t. He felt incredibly strongly that Arthur needed to be the next person that he told about his magic. Moving towards Gwaine, he slipped himself onto Gwaine’s lap, a normally favoured position for them. He was encouraged by the fact that Gwaine didn’t immediately shove him away but slightly disheartened that the knights hands failed to slide around Merlin’s waist and down to cup his arse as they usually did. He was determined not to be put off and slid his arms around Gwaine’s neck.

“I’m sorry. You’re right about all of it.”

“Saying sorry isn’t going to make things better Merlin.”

“I know but will you please let me explain myself or try to at least?” As he spoke, Merlin tried to at least make eye contact with Gwaine, although the knight certainly didn’t make things easy. “Gwaine?”

“There’s something that you’re not telling me isn’t there? Something big.” Gwaine’s words were resigned.

“Yes.” Merlin’s words were soft. “Yes, there is. It’s something huge but I’m sorry I can’t tell you. I can’t tell anybody, it’s too dangerous.” He winced at the look of hurt in Gwaine’s eyes. “That doesn’t mean that I don’t want to tell you, I really do but I can’t. I just can’t.”

There was a really long and awkward pause from both of them; Merlin because he didn’t know what to say and Gwaine because, although he could be serious, he wasn’t entirely comfortable with it where feelings were concerned.

“I get that but that doesn’t make this any easier Merlin. How would you feel if it was me keeping the big secret from you? Look, it’s been clear from the moment I met you that Arthur was, is important to you; you’re more friends than just king and servant. But there are times when, if I didn’t know better, I’d say that he was your lover and not me. I’ve never made a secret of it Merlin; I came back because you asked me not because of Arthur. He’s a lot better than the spoilt princess that he was but I didn’t come to Camelot for him, I came for you.”

Merlin felt even guiltier by the time Gwaine had finished talking and nestled in closer, turning his head into Gwaine’s neck. “I know and I will always be grateful. I love Arthur,” he couldn’t fail to notice how Gwaine’s body tensed beneath him, “but I love him like a friend or a brother. I’m _in love_ with you.”

“Well there’s nothing more that can be said is there? For either of us.”

And the thing was, Gwaine was right. Still, as the knight’s arms finally wrapped around him, Merlin couldn’t help but wish that he didn’t have to keep his magic secret. He wished that he could tell the two most important men in his life about the big part of himself that he just couldn’t tell people about. It just couldn’t happen at the moment so all he could do was hope that Gwaine would still be there for him when the truth could finally come to light.


End file.
